FLOP Chained to the mundane Monday morning routine I gotta make my costume smell fresh and clean Hold my head under the soapy water But I aint got time to drown today, gotta get back to work, I got debt to pay Acting guilty, I’m judged on the stage A hung jury, typecast in this play Kill me off, cut this endless scene A hung jury, a climax unseen A focus group watching, I state my case A hung jury, trapped in this rat race Please be kind, rewind the time Rewrite this script of my life It’s a flop, it’s a bomb, a steaming pile of shit On a dusty shelf I’m being phased out quick The whole world cries still for the funny man Oh, such a dramatic end Comedy and tragedy go hand in hand The curtain’s waiting for the show to end Tonight, the spotlight’s on the stagehand With this rope will they applaud me then I tie the knot I tie the knot I take a bow I poop a lot CHRYSALIS They found me in a pool of blood They found me with my pants down They found me with a pencil and a book They found me with a razorblade They found me, my phone on silent They found me in the fountain of youth They found me with a crazy, stupid look Bludgeoned, ridiculed, hollow, scorned Zip me up like an astronaut and blast me into the sky Wrap me up, my corpse rots like a caterpillar turned to a butterfly Oh baby, show me mercy like you would some asshole line Oh baby, talk to me like we were talking about shoes Let me cut through that line before I go and cut my wrists Gonna make such a mess Zip me up I’m still half alive Put me into the oven It’s better than being buried alive Zip me up I’ll die inside Rigor mortis is a chrysalis to spread my wings on the other side WINTER SUN I find myself in a fit of rage I told myself I would not engage At times a demon lives inside my mouth It tortures me like a cat with a mouse Sitting alone in a constant funk Leaves me covered in spunk I am broken and can’t be fixed I’m a sadomasochist Happiness is schtick, its fantasy Pain is sexual novelty Hey ho! Let’s go! Rock out with your cock out dude When I look in your eyes, my reflection dies Like freezing in the winter sun There’s tears in my eyes, your makeup is dry Like freezing in the winter sun Set my head on fire Fire, I’m still smoking Fire may make me a monster But it also makes me a man Not that you’d understand or choose to remember Underneath all the ash I’m still who I used to be Before you burned me Doused me with gasoline Hey ho! Let’s go! Pull your fucking cock out bro! BEDPAN I’ve reached the stage of life when things fall apart Its closer to reach the end than it is to restart The hard beating of my heart I’m shackled to this bed And I pray to god that I wake up dead But here I am again I shit the bed again I don’t dream anymore These spurts of rest I get I don’t dream anymore Liquor and benzos help me forget What I have done What have I done? I can’t move I’m paralyzed The mattress is collapsing on one side The sign of the cross every night Every morning I dread the light I want to die Pry myself out of this bed and do this pointless shit over again Mocked like a martyr Laughed at like a clown Scoffed at like a junkie Grown out of like a wedding gown Roll my lazy ass onto the floor INFANTILE Never finished my degree I study depression in a factory On a playground sliding down A conveyor belt to hell Hallelujah Holy spirit Hallelujah Bless this child My mom thinks I’m a little slow Treats me like I’m two years old Ga ga goo goo me go poo poo in my pants I fall down I got a boo boo now I blew a few lines of coke and I’m just now coming down Mommy wow! I’m a big kid now KLUTZ I’m too loud to tiptoe around you I’m too clumsy, I’ll break a few things along the way I’m too dumb to bite my tongue but I’ve always been the stupid same Did you not read through the fine print before you signed your name? PACK RAT This next one you can all relate to You know which one I’m talking about Oh, don’t give me that We’re all guilty of being pack rats Sing with me now Shit, got a car full of shit Shit, to fill up my basement Shit I want But nobody ever needs Shit, got a car full of shit Shit, it defines my existence Shit I bought cuz I’m empty inside I can’t hear you What the hell was that? You know you’re all hoarding, consuming fucking whores So move those lips, come on motherfucker! Got an attic full of shit Got a garage full of shit Got three storage units full of shit I’m working my ass off to pay for it All the trinkets I come home with I still don’t even own a belt that properly fits All the money I’ve thrown away Could have saved a thousand families in Zimbabwe Scooby Doo, where are you Scooby Doo, I screwed the pooch All the trinkets I come home with I don’t have one pair of underwear without a hole in it All the money I’ve thrown away I could have purchased a mansion with an elegant mancave DEAD WEIGHT I swam to the top But I sank to the bottom Swallowed up like a minnow KAPUT Move it along people, nothing to see here You better fucking remember me I’m the anti-celebrity Cutting room floor, B-side, rarity I’d be a washed up has-been Had I ever been anything at all Sunny skies headed your way In other news, a local loser was found dead With an apparent self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head And get this Nancy, in an apartment full of action figures Wearing an outdated band shirt and a very old pair of sneakers Ron, tell us more about that beautiful weekend weather SWAN DIVE It hit me hard today All the things I stole have a price to pay Like the wise men always say Being a dick left a brick imprint on my face Goodness gracious, somebody light a match It’s getting awful smelly in here I didn’t think my shit could stink Never thought shit would hit the fan I never even noticed it on my hands This dookie is kooky It’s kind of groovy, it’s kind of spooky When life gives you lemons you make lemonade When you fuck someone raw they can give you AIDS Stay safe kids, people piss in that lemonade Swan dived to the bottom And I floated to the top Got swept away in a billow When you swim with the fish You’re gonna get bit Karma’s a bitch You get what you give You give what you get THE END The end of me It's all over now The end, thought I had everything but look at me now The end, the past really stings when stung by the queen The end, I had everything but nothing somehow MORPHINE DRIP My god, my god why hast thou forsaken me? Forgive me, for I know not what I have done I wrote it out, my last goodbyes To the dirt on earth, I kissed the sky There is no peace, my defense to offend To stop this war, my hurt must end I hide my secrets inside my mind No one will know, with me they die My head is soft, the ground is hard Death is easy Look down from the mountain One leap and it’s done The camera is rolling, the crucifix hung This is my moment, my closeup, my fall My legs are quivering, I don’t have the balls Sorry to disappoint you folks, there’s no show to see I’ll live and die like the rest of you in slow agony